Claire speaks:
It’s one of those
Lord-I-am-not-worthy-days
I try so hard
but I just don’t seem to be able
to put my trust in you
the way that I would like to.
I try not to,
but I worry and fret about things
that never materialize.
And I scold myself saying,
“You see, you shouldn’t have been
worrying about that!”
I know that, Lord.
I try not to,
but fail.
I feel devastated by my failure,
yet another reminder
of how I proved unable to trust in you.
I feel so disappointed in myself.
I long to place my trust in you
and then I fall at the first hurdle.
It’s not you who’s the problem, Lord;
it’s me.
I know that you love me
completely,
that you accept me
exactly as I am.
The trouble is …
… I don’t.
I turn my back on myself
in my disappointment.
I reject myself.
I feel like a failure.
Lord, please help me to love myself
just the way I am.
God replies:
Claire,
never lose sight of the fact
that with me
it’s the thought that counts.
You tried your hardest
to place your trust in me.
That’s all that I wanted.
What I need
is for you to give me the gift
of you trying your best.
When you really try to do something
for me
then you have given me
the raw material that I need
to my work,
to fulfil my purposes –
you have given me the precious gift
of your will.
You came before me at Mass today,
disappointed in yourself,
feeling that what you had to offer me
was something wholly insignificant.
You pictured yourself presenting to me
a total mess,
all that you had to show
for your best efforts.
I didn’t see a mess,
I saw something precious,
of incredible beauty
that held all the more splendour
for the fact that you were blind to it.
Do you remember how Niamh
used to sacrifice one of her favourite crisps
and would present it to you
smiling, as you were
in the middle of a phone call?
Do you remember how touched you were
by that gesture?
By the fact that she had taken something
that was precious to her
and had let you have it instead?
Do you remember how your heart swelled with love
at the gesture?
Do you remember how you smiled to yourself
as you accepted each damp crisp
and munched it immediately,
mouthing to her
that the crisp was lovely
because that was what Niamh wanted you to do?
And do you remember
why each crisp was damp?
Because your wee Niamh,
full of the best of intentions,
had been unable to resist the temptation
to lick all of the flavour off each crisp
before presenting it, as a gift, to you!
Was her gift of a crisp
any less precious to you?
Didn’t you just think
that your wee Niamh
was simply wonderful?
Didn’t you think
how blessed you were
to have a daughter who displayed
such love and generosity?
Didn’t you think
that your Niamh was great?
When you knelt before me
at Mass today
and presented to me
the precious gift
of your best effort,
my heart swelled with love and pride
and I was delighted
with My Claire.
Claire,
your best is always
good enough for me.
Remember that you’re not supposed
to do everything on your own;
that’s why I’m here.
Be at peace.
Rest in my love,
always.
(c) Claire Murray