Sarah O’Donnell used to run a wool shop
in Castle Street, in Derry.

One day, while choosing the colour of wool
for my new jumper,
I overhead Sarah as she told my Mammy
about a friend of hers
who could give detailed instructions
on how to knit the perfect “V” neck
on a jumper.
Many had successfully followed these instructions
to knit their own “V” neck jumpers
but Sarah’s friend, try as she may,
was herself unable to follow these same instructions
to knit her own “V” neck jumper.

Today, as I walk to work,
I feel anxious.
I attempt to place my concerns
in the hands of My God and fail.
I can find no peace.
I remember Sarah’s friend
who was able to describe to others
how to knit the perfect “V” neck jumper
without ever managing
to acquire that skill herself.

I can identify with Sarah’s friend.

I find that I am better at writing about
trusting in My God
than in actually managing to trust in God myself.
I feel like Sarah’s friend,
whose descriptions far outstripped her actions.

Lord,
help me not to lose heart
when my actions fail to speak louder
than my words.
Help me to persevere in my efforts
to entrust myself to your loving hands.
Maybe, like Sarah’s friends,
I will be able to help others through my writing
even when I struggle
to help myself.

© Claire Murray

Lord,
sometimes I find myself worrying,
fretting about “what if” situations
in my life
that might occur
or that might never come to pass at all.
While I worry about situations
that are currently only a figment
of my imagination,
real life passes me by.

Help me, Lord,
not to be distracted
by these “what if” situations.
Help me to place myself,
with all of my concerns,
into your loving hands.

Remind me, Lord,
that in order to cope
with the wide range of “what ifs”
that I fret about
only one strategy is needed –
to trust that
should a certain circumstance arise
My God will help me to deal with it.

Help me, Lord,
to live in the real world
of the here and now
instead of wasting precious time
in the imaginary land
of “what if”.

© Claire Murray

Lord,
I’m conscious that I need to learn
how to live my life
differently.
I need to surrender control,
accepting that each day
is a total surprise,
simply unpredictable.

Today could be a day
of freedom or frustration,
pleasure or painkillers,
happiness or hospitals,
beauty or bandages,
delights or disasters,
elation or exhaustion,
triumphs or tumours,
wow-moments or waiting.

Lord,
this morning I accept
whatever lies before me today.
I accept the unknowingness,
the unpredictability,
the lack of control.

Lord,
help me today
to embrace the uncertainty
of my existence,
safe in the knowledge that,
at all times,
I am in your loving hands
and that no matter what today may bring,
all will be well.

© Claire Murray, 14th November 2013

On a mild, bright autumn evening
I leave work early
to walk to my car by the scenic route,
along Sirocco Walk.

In the distance I watch
a small, black oval shape
as it drifts back and forth
above the Lagan,
higher than the tall buildings
that flank either side.

I realise that this shape,
which looks remarkably like
a swarm of bees
must be starlings
gathering before they roost.

As I gradually draw closer
to this swaying flock
I begin to discern the forms
of distant, tiny, individual birds.
Smaller flocks of starlings
rush to join this aeronautical display
and the flock of starlings
continues to sway gently over the Lagan
as it slowly swells and grows.

Soon the flock of starlings
is directly overhead.
It’s a dizzying, hypnotic sight
and I wonder
why these starlings gather,
in their thousands,
on an autumn evening?
Do they feel drawn
to gather in this mighty flock
in the same way that I feel
an irresistible urge to follow My God?

Eventually, reluctantly,
I leave the starlings
as they continue to swarm and drift
above the Lagan
and I follow another irresistible urge –
the urge to go home
and to spend precious time
with those I love.

© Claire Murray

Sometimes I struggle
to come to terms
with all that I am.
I find that I use many labels
to describe myself,
some of which
I’m uneasy with
and certainly not proud of.

Today,
as I sit in prayer
in the church of St George
in Belfast
I have a sense
that all of the labels
that I use to describe myself
are falling away.
I feel that I am somehow being distilled
so that only my essential essence remains.
I have a sense
that God and me are intertwined,
inextricably linked.

Only two labels now remain:
I am Claire;
I am loved by My God.

Now, I am now at peace with myself.

As I leave the church
and resume my walk to work
I have a sense
that my relationship with My God
is a conundrum,
a puzzle:
when I delve into My God
I find my true self
and when I delve into myself
I find My God.

© Claire Murray