Logic tells me that I can float
because my body is less dense than water.
And indeed,
when I am in the safety of the swimming pool
I lie back in the water and calm myself.

I float.

But in the sea at Fanad
it’s a whole different story
in water that is oh, so cold!
One minute, gentle waves lap around me
and I rise and fall slightly in the sea
as they pass.
The next minute, an unexpected wave
crashes over me
covering my face and filling my eyes and mouth
with the salty water of the Atlantic.
I struggle to my feet,
blinking, gasping, stumbling and spitting.

I flounder.

My faith tells me
that My God loves me
and will look after me,
that My God will send me
all the help that I need
and that everything will be alright.

Sometimes I can accept that.
I feel at peace
and I feel that I am floating
on the waters of life.

But sometimes my peace is shattered
when turmoil enters my life.
I feel anxious and afraid.
I try to calm myself,
reminding myself
that My God loves me and cares for me
and that My God will look after me.
But peace and calm elude me
and in my anxious state
I find that I can no longer float;

I flounder.

As my heart races
I hear a faint whisper in my ear, saying,
“Claire,
do not let your heart be troubled.
Trust in God
and trust in me.”

These words are like a life belt
that has been thrown to me.
I seize on them
and struggle to focus on the words
rather than on the turmoil of my life.
I repeat the words and they reassure me.
I concentrate on them
and try to set aside all of my worries.
Eventually, the anxiety subsides
and my peace returns.

I feel that now
I’m no longer floundering …
I’m floating again.

© Claire Murray